GRACE!

Every child hungers for unconditional, unmerited and unbelievable grace. Grace covers, forgives, empathizes, provides and protects. Grace is irrational, messy and often hurts. It’s blessing a child, whether they deserve it or not. Grace is completely opposite of rewards-based motivational strategies that operate from a "do this, get that" philosophy. Grace gives even when it shouldn't.

That's why it's so AMAZING!


"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found; was blind but now I see."

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything
(U2 -- "Grace" -- 2000)

RELATIONSHIP!

If a kid doesn’t belong, it’s so long. Guaranteed. It’s the primary reason we lose them at church, school and other extra-curricular activities. Preteens and adolescents are blossoming social machines. They seek to connect, interact and succeed with peers of similar age. Competition and “loser” gimmicks destroy true community because they create "haves" and "have nots." Many have argued this is nothing more than "survival of the fittest." But if we're brutally honest, even the animal kingdom is much more cooperative than competitive in nature. Children want to fit in. They want to belong.


Adlerian psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs theorized the "genuine goal" of every human is "belonging." When this objective isn't achieved, the person will pursue "mistaken goals" (each with increasing severity and consequence) in order to fit in and belong.

• "Attention-Getting": Simple behavioral acts that are non-threatening, barely noticeable and nearly always ignored by parents and teachers. In fact, many actually recommend care-givers ignore such behavior. And yet, if these "flags" for attention are not caught, the child will move to the next level.
• "Power Plays": This level of behavior is a personal attempt to influence and hold power. This is when misbehavior definitely gets noticed! The child will use intentional strategies to disrupt, disturb or delay the situation. Of course, most adults respond with their own power plays. Time-outs. Groundings. Spankings. An "F." And if you miss the opportunity to re-direct a child and help them to belong (remember, that's their original goal), you actually force them to the next level of misbehavior.
• "Revenge": At this point, misbehavior because cruel, hurtful and very personal. It's not about power, but pain (emotional and even physical). The child wants to bring you down a notch. This is when things can get ugly and, unfortunately, the answer for many parents and teachers is more power plays. Longer time-outs. Loss of privilege. Suspension from school and even society (a.k.a. prison).
• "Give Up": Eventually, a child realizes that he can't win. Attention-getting failed. Power plays backfired. Revenge tactics created a worse situation. And so the child simply quits. They live for the bell. They wait to turn 18. They disappear and drop out.

What a tragedy! If only the parent or teacher merely caught the initial "flag" that announced, "Hey, I'm not feeling it here! I'm not getting this material. I don't sense that I should be here." Master teachers and wise parents learn the cues. They connect when a child misbehaves to "belong" they don't issue timeouts and other strategies that only exasperate the issue.


For more information on Rudolf Dreikurs, click here.

"I love you. You love me. We're a happy family."
(Barney the Dinosaur)

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
(Cheers TV Theme)

OWNERSHIP!

Every kid hungers for control and contribution. So empower their personality, passions and pursuits and give children power. It’ll unleash purpose and release kids to fly freely. It's surprising how many "children's events" are really adult-planned and adult-led. It's surprising how many lessons--both at school and at the church--are teacher-based passive learning strategies.

Today's children want to give themselves away. They want to be involved. They want to lead. Give them a chance. They may actually surprise you!

“As we look ahead into the next century,

leaders will be those who empower others.”

(Bill Gates)

“The beauty of empowering others is that

your own power is not diminished in the process.”

(Barbara Coloroso)

WORTH!

Kids crave attention, affection and affirmation. They’re looking for strong, positive role models who value their contributions and encourage their unique personal voice. Every child is different so encourage and edify their specialness.

One of the problems with reward-based motivations is it assumes every child is the same. They all can learn the same material (which isn't always true). They will choose the same behaviors (which isn't always true). It's easy to use rewards to motivate children. It's hard to treat them as a special, unique individual. Yet, in the long run, children who discover their worth grow to be self-starters, confident and assertive.

PARENTING AND TEACHING WITH WISDOM:
RAISING CHILDREN TO BE RESPONSIBLE,
RESOURCEFUL, CARING INDIVIDUALS
by Barbara Coloroso
www.kidsareworthit.com

Discipline: What It Is and What It Isn't...

Punishment: 1) adult-oriented 2) requires judgment 3) imposes power from without 4) arouses anger & resentment 5) invites more conflict

Discipline: 1) shows children what they have done wrong 2) gives them ownership of the problem 3) gives them ways to solve the problems they have created 4) leaves their dignity intact.

R.S.V.P. -- Consequences need to be Reasonable, Simple, Valuable & Practical

Three Alternatives to "No":
1) Yes, later
2) Give me a minute
3) Convince me

LAUGHTER!

It’s fundamental to have fun. When we experience joy our brains literally illuminate. Enjoyable learning (I call it “edutainment”), where smiles abound, is both attractive and enhances content retention. Everyone loves to learn, but not everyone loves learning. And when you reward learning with prizes it'll bring smiles--but only to the winners (don't look at the losers' faces or it'll crush you). Rewards also devalue learning for learning sake. The worse thing a parent can do is give cash for grades. Why? Because it turns a grade (an evaluation) into a commodity (a product).

Think about something you enjoy doing. Jogging? Reading? Gardening? Doing Sudokus? Why do you do them? That's right, because they're fun. Now think of a subject in school that you hated. Math? English? Biology? Would paying you to succeed really make you like it? No. You hated it because you didn't enjoy it. You had a bad experience or a poor teacher.

Playing music is supposed to be fun. It's about heart, it's about feelings, moving people, and something beautiful, and it's not about notes on a page. I can teach you notes on a page, I can't teach you that other stuff. (Glenn Holland, teacher in Mr. Holland's Opus, 1995).

In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh. (Wystan Hugh Auden)

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God. (Karl Barth)

SAFETY AND SECURITY!

Abraham Maslow noted the two most basic human needs are physiological and safety. Consequently, children gravitate towards situations that meet natural needs like hunger, thirst and comfort. That’s why it’s easy to motivate a kid with candy. If you missed breakfast, that Snickers bar will get you to lunch. Don't kid yourself. They're not motivated for any other reason than t’s survival, not cooperation.

Children seek a home and learning environment that is physically and emotionally safe and secure. Every family and class should be a "no putdown zone" that prohibits all forms of physical abuse and aggression. Show me a kid who bites at church and I'll show you a kid who's getting bit at home.